This one may be long as hell and even all over the place. Had to get this off my chest though.
I'll be honest , in the past I was the person who went ALL in for love even if love wasn't given to me. I yearned for attention from ONE person at a time , and chose to call them relationships. If ONE person wanted to show me fake love , or talk to me more often than others I assumed that was love. If someone vaguely brought me around their people , I thought that was the real deal. If someone hurt me repeatedly , but "sincerely" apologized right after .. yep you've guessed ,I thought that was love as well . If someone complimented me here & there , despite their carelessness or embarrassment I often faced because of them , I just knew that he was down for me .
In those times I didn't know what self love was . Depression was probably the most complex thing I've ever had to deal with especially in a short amount of time , but insecurity in different levels have ALWAYS been one of my biggest demons and ongoing battle. What someone else told me about myself is what I believed. Isn't that ridiculous ? knowing in my mind , body and soul that I was this amazing woman who had (have) loads to offer but would completely dumb down to exactly what a stranger thinks? The perception others had of me whether good , or mostly bad according to them was my truth unfortunately .
I wasn't mentally stable enough to realize that love is supposed to build you up , help you excel in every way . I didn't understand that love was more than a couple fake compliments , and mediocre dick. Love is more than any fake smiles that are forced on social media or matching outfits you choose to wear to prove to HER that he loves YOU when his d*ck may still be on HER breath , or inside ANOTHER'S p*ssy when you choose to post the pic and now more than ever you're the joke of the day in a group chat or two. Love is more than empty promises , and continuous talks of change when you guys both know nothing will progress . Love is not asking yourself or even him , "why not me?"Love is more than rewarding your abuser with sex or throat on demand so hopefully he doesn't talk to other girls ,all the while hoping with each stroke he finally starts to love you somehow. Hoping he finally see how down you are for him , even if at no point in time he was ever down for except when his tongue came in contact with your sacred parts that he never deserved to begin with.
Self love starts with SELF of course, but love is supposed to heighten your good , not dwell on your bad . Love does not use whatever you hate against yourself in an attempt to break you down only to build you up to THEIR way . Love does not hurt . Love may be rocky but love is not pure pain. Love is supporting . Love makes sure you complete tasks that fulfill dreams even if that may not include them for the time being . Love is not just fucking other girls , and getting right back. [Yes, that was a Jay-Z reference lmao] Love from anyone else is supposed to be an added bonus to the self love you already have or already working on . Love helps diminish those insecurities , not add to them. Love does NOT have you questioning your sanity for wanting HIM , and only him because he is has "sooooo much potential" that your still have yet to experience and you've been involved with this person for more than a few months or maybe even years. #ISSAFACADE
You can LITERALLY fuck your whole life up if you don't have self love first or if you choose to love someone who will not love you how you deserve to be loved .I won't say that my life is fucked up NOW , but that's because of my persistence to finally change . I do know for what I thought was love , I lost all focus on everything around me , school , work , family etc .
My intent wasn't to bash anyone I've ever talked to or been with but its my truth , MY blog . I am finally smart enough to express these feelings and share them publicly despite my "love" telling me not to years ago . Love does not hinder, or let you lose track of your goals.I said a lot of things that blatantly speak about guys . That's only because I've only dated guys . Some women aren't capable of loving either . It is still abuse . Find someone who values you .
WHOEVER YOU CHOOSE TO LOVE , LET IT BE REAL .YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THE BULLSHIT YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE.
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