From as far back as I could remember , I think I yearned for family . I know that's probably like "what ?" with a confused look on your face , but I'm serious . I always wanted the idea of what I thought family was supposed to be.What I mean by this is , I saw how other families worked and quite frankly ... mine sucked lol.
I'm not saying any of this out of malice or to make anyone look or feel bad. That is NEVER my goal , but the truth is the truth . From young I remember my classmates damn near bragging about how they spent the weekend with their entire family damn near doing nothing . In my head I'm like damnnnn that's bomb.Why can't I do nothing with mine? lmao. Pathetic, I know. The next week a different classmate would say the had a game night , or randomly went out to eat , or randomly just came together , or came together to celebrate accomplishments . Of course I was excited for them ,also nosey so I wanted all the details . Jealousy took over at that point.
There was a brief moment in time when every Sunday we went to Momalee house (I gave her that name when I was like 2 I was told ).She is the equivalent to what a Big Momma in a black family is . Every other weekend I was over there until my mother got off from work , but those Sundays were LOVE . We listened to old music together on this blocky sound system, I watched the Box and the cartoons from ABC (Pepper Ann and Recess were my fave) , "cooked' together {she let me help cut the cheese for the macaroni and mix in the ingredients for the occasional meat loaf lmaoo} , danced together and sat at the table doing crosswords. I LOVED HER . I guess in a way although she was my grandmother's sister , Momalee was MY grandmother.
That all sounds great but of course beneath the surface of those good times ,the bad was ALWAYS there. I wasn't physically abused but now that I'm older I realize that the stupid arguments , or me watching my uncle degrade people whenever he felt like it FUCKED ME UP mentally. Imagine having a good day and at 6 hearing someone just yelling out curse words because KIDS were WATCHING his TV . Or your cousin being called a stupid bitch just because or that her son is stupid when he was all of 3 years old. Or that I better not end up like my mother as if being like my mother was a bad thing. Good times. Whet? I'm 28 now and I honestly have no memory of him saying anything good about anyone unless he could brag on you .Meaning once you already accomplished something he wants to talk about it not realizing with just a little encouragement beforehand MUCH MORE WOULD GET ACCOMPLISHED . Duh. I think the dumbest thing I ever did was allow the negativity to get in my head and actually starve myself because they (he) would tell me repeatedly that I was fat from young and literally tell me not to eat more than one plate. It wasn't in a helpful kind of way ,it was condescending .. THEY WERE ALL FAT at the time so why the hell did I listen? Self love didn't come easy for me but that's a story for a diff post .
But wait ... there's more but I'll spare you guys that annoyance. Sidebar .. 20 yrs later he tried to call my child names too like retarded and I cut that shit short real quick . THEY might let you say what you want but nah you're gonna respect mine. I won't place blame on him for everything that's wrong with my family but I do feel like as the head of the family he should have led by example. I remember the justifications for his actions were "he had a rough life', and " he was worse before this is nothing" ..FAWWKKYOUUMEAN? .. Do better.
Fast fwd .. my first memory of resentment towards my family comes from about third grade. I never really understood why we all only came together for holidays and funerals. I never really understood why my family would drive to South Carolina which was at least 12 hours away for a funeral , but could not drive collectively ONE hour for us to just do something random and fun. Are we THAT consumed with ourselves that family just doesn't matter until you're dead?
I remember going to one of our few cookouts and big ass arguments happened. I know arguments in any relationship will happen but I think at the time I'm like , " damn so we don't come together much , BUT when we do we're going to ruin it ? good times." We had big fallouts because we were all strangers to each other I think. I would most likely feel a type of way about things too if you have an opinion , or input about my life when I don't even know you .
Instead of learning each other though ... we all became more distant. Amazing right ? So now at this point I truly believe we're just strangers who happen to eat together a few times a year. They don't seem to understand that family is unconditional love, support , acceptance, and compromise. Family isn't selfish .
Support or compromise in my family was always non existent. Support in their eyes meant giving rules. That's not how it works though to me . I think support is for sure telling me what I need to hear and not want to hear but also not shutting someone down because they disagree with you . I think support is lending a helping hand and wanting someone to do great even if it's not something you particularly agree or believe in. Support is not a "do as I say or fuck you " sort of thing ,but that's what my family stood for unfortunately. Idk I just felt like for years I was judged for being exactly who I was.
Nonetheless, this is always on my mind and there's more but I just had to at least get this part out of my head. I'm always trying to think of ways to do better for others who come after me though . I believe in the each one , teach one method. The lack of good example from the older ones in my life taught me NOT to do that to the ones younger to me . I won't say I'm the best at this but I feel like as long as I'm being honest , true and selfless that we will all be better off. I actually feel bad for THEM at times because they didn't know better and something in them was too lay to learn to do better now we all suffer.
Happy Sunday though lol..
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